In this past month or two a lot has been happening with Vibeke and me in regards to our visa for marriage. Just the other day we got more news; we got a date for her interview at the American embassy. In about a month we should be going through last step in getting the visa (fingers crossed).
This got me thinking. Although we are in this process together, our experiences with it are not. You see, in order to get the visa, the US government has to examine our lives, finances, and evaluate our sincerity to marry. At first glance it seemed that our parts to play in this would be equal, and as much as I feel they should be, that has not turned out to be the case.
I feel that I have had the easier path to walk in this endeavor. Thanks to being a citizen and former solider of the states, almost anything anyone would ever want to know about me, is already on file somewhere with the government. This meant that, outside of the initial forms, there has been almost no direct follow up on my end. Beyond those forms, I’ve found a larger apartment for us, found more income, and prepped myself as best I can to make her transition to the states as painless as possible. But, that still seems trivial compared to the more active role she has to play in the process.
While I share the stress of waiting for a determination, and my half of the costs in the vaccinations and fees, there are defiantly more hoops to jump through and stressors in this process for her than there are for me.
In the end, she is moving her whole world for me. Everything she knows as routine, straight down to every daily comforts she has in her life. She is moving everything an ocean away from friends and family, for me. I feel guilt over this, even though I know I have nothing to be guilty of. Every day I wish I could trade places with her and be the one to go through that. I wish I was the one with the harder part to play, but things didn’t work out that way. In a few years, I may be the one in that position as our plan is to move back to Copenhagen once I get some work experience in my field, but that doesn’t make it equal now.
So, here is the take away lesson from our experience. Whether you are the one moving or the one someone is moving for, things won’t be equal at face value. Unless you’re one of the lucky couples, at distance, who can physically be there with each other during a transition like this, one of you will have more work to do in the process and the other will have guilt.
I don’t know how heavy that will strike your emotions as a reader, but if it does strike an emotional chord, don’t fret it’s not all bad. While sometimes it sucks to be the one with a less active roll, it does give you plenty of time for wonderful feelings too.
To share some of that, I invite any readers to be a fly on the wall while this last bit is addressed directly to Vibeke:
Darling, I know I tell you I love you at every chance I get. I know I tell you I miss you and have you on my mind. But it’s so much more. You could probably figure this, but I’m not sure if I’ve ever shared it, I day dream about you constantly. I dream about you, us, and our future. No matter where I am or what I’m doing, I’m actively dreaming about our life together. Not just remembering the past but fantasizing of what the future holds for us. It feels a little awkward to be a grown man talking of an activity that we think of children doing, but I can’t help it, I day dream of you. I think of this coming fall and your arrival, of marring you, of the holidays. I dream of walks in the cool autumn air holding your hand, seeing you smile and hearing you laugh. I dream of waking up next to you every morning and falling asleep next to you every night. I am constantly reliving all the moments we have had and dreaming of the ones to come.
Somehow, I don’t think that telling you ‘I’ve got you on my mind’ conveys that. What I should say is, I every moment we are apart, I’m dreaming of you and when we won’t be apart anymore. I’m a romantic at heart, and while I don’t think that will win me any awards for stereotypical manliness, I don’t care. I love you, with all my heart. I know the visa process is more intensive for you than it is for me, but I want you know that I I’ll never forget that and I don’t have words powerful enough to tell you how much it means to me that you feel I’m worth all the headache. Falling and being in love with you has brought such joy into my life, I know that my daydreams, as wonderful as they are, will be just a shadow of how fantastic living our lives together will truly be. Vibeke, my love, my muse and keeper of my heart, I dream of you every day. This song is for you.