Love letters

By Vibeke

Ever wondered what goes on behind the scenes of a long distance relationship, or what kind of toll it takes on a relationship to go through the Visa application process? This post consists of two emails we sent to each other a couple of days ago. Ive been reading them a couple of times in the days that has followed, and I think that they give a really good sense of the emotions at stake, as well as show how we deal with it.

Hey Darlin´ 🙂

First off, thanks for the links 🙂 I haven’t looked at them yet but I’m sure they’ll help a lot, thank you for doing that for me 🙂

Second, I’m sorry for last night. I’m very emotional at the moment, and it doesn’t take a lot to rock the boat, unfortunately you suffer for it. I know that we’ve been through worse and that our shoulders are wide enough to bear it, but I still feel bad about taking my stress out on you. I also know that getting the Visa means just as much to you as it does to me and you’re doing everything you can to help at this point, I’m sorry for sometimes forgetting it and not giving you enough credit for everything that you do.

Third, I am feeling a little better, but I’m still not great 😦 The sinuses are better, but mostly it’s just the stress and feeling tired, down and on edge. But I’ll be fine… At some point 😉

Fourth, regarding the bachelorette gig…  I was fine, I wasn´t feeling fantastic, but I was happy to help and I did get some experience photographing events like that, but I have to admit to kinda regretting agreeing to do it, with me being sick and all 😉

Fifth, next chat… Yeah it occurred to me as well that we didn’t set a day for the next chat. Sunday and Monday both work for me, so it up to you and your going back to school schedule 😉 I’m thinking that I might be more relaxed Sunday, but you’ll probably have more to tell on Monday and need Sunday to prep… Don’t know which is better :-/

Sixth, I don’t think I told you, but waking up yesterday and finding little love notes everywhere (mail, fb and twitter) was really lovely, it absolutely made my day and made me feel very loved ❤ even though I’m usually too stressed/busy to reply at the moment, getting those small signs of affection really makes a huge difference in my day.

And it was especially nice that you posted something on twitter, for one thing it was completely unexpected and a huge surprise, but it was also very nice that you were taking part in that 🙂

Seventh, sounds like you have a nice day planned with John. I hope it’s going to be awesome for you, say hi to him and Amy for me 🙂

Eight, hmm I don’t actually have any more to write but I was at number seven and it would just be so cool to get to ten… God damn it :-/

Ninth, I think I might have decided on a dress for the wedding. I’m not 100% sure yet, but I’m pretty excited about it 🙂

Tenth, I love you and miss you so much. I miss holding you and cuddling with you so much that just thinking about it and writing this is making me tear up. I think maybe that’s a big reason why I’m so on edge at the moment, that the distance seem to be over soon and at the same time it feels like I can’t wait even that short of a period. I need to hold you so badly that it literally hurts and I don’t know how much longer I can take it…. No worries though, I’m still in this till the very end 😉

I love you with all my heart and soul :-*

Hello Darlin’ 😉

I’m back home, and getting ready to put some laundry in, unpack the kitchen so I can get some dinner later, and get prepped for classes. Well there are many other things to do too, but rattling off my whole list is boring. But before all that, an email to you. is the first thing 🙂

For the links, hey no problem, I just hope they help 🙂 And as for your second, I know your emotional right now, (you and me both) and I understand darlin’. Thank you for letting me know how you´re feeling about it. It means a lot to hear you say you know how much this whole process means to me and how hard I work at it. It really does mean the world 🙂

It’s good to hear your starting to feel better. I hope you are getting your rest and get back to feeling ship shape in no time. Feeling blah sucks 😉 Sorry to hear that the bachelorette gig wasn’t all that it was cracked up to be. I still look forward to hearing about it.

I mentioned in my email last night that Monday is prime time for chat time 🙂 it’ll rock.

I ‘m glad you liked the notes 🙂 You deserve them, and even though I really didn’t know what I was doing, I still made sure one got up on twitter. I don’t know why but I have some sort of complex about posting on that site, but for you I’ll do it 😉

Hanging out with John rocked, we played cards with the guys for a while, went out and got pizza afterwards and then just chilled back at his house for a while. We were gabbing the whole time, it was awesome to catch up. Today I spent a little time with the fam, helped dad out with fixing some drainage in the back yard and caught up with Matt and Miss. It was nice to hang with them a bit before school gets running.

You might have your dress you say!? Awesome! Are there rules against me seeing it before wedding day? I dunno, that’s your call, but whether I get to see it before or on our wedding day, I’m sure it is lovely and you will look beautiful in it 🙂 That is awesome news darlin’.

Ten, I know darlin’. I miss you too. Everyday 😦 I know I don’t show it, but I’m feeling the hurt of being so close to having an answer for the visa and I’m feeling the pinch of you and me being so close and yet still so far away. I’m not fond of the stress it brings me, but I did some thinking on it and want to share:

Moments of action. That’s what I call them, I’m not sure if it’s an accurate name, but it’s the best terms I have to describe those special moments in time. Moments that we have waited for, or moments that mean so much that lives are changed by them. Some are small and not so dramatic while others are huge. I know them in the form of being a child and waiting for Christmas, waiting for a movie to come out, approaching a vacation, or battle. It’s any point in time that one has to wait for, where it seems so simple and easy at first, but as we get closer to the actual moment, time seems to stretch out like an accordion. Minutes become hours, hours become days, and days turn into weeks. All the while the mind runs at normal pace and pressure builds on our shoulders. These moments can be positive like waiting for presents, negative like waiting for the enemy, or a mix of both. Some of them carry both fear and hope all at once.

But no matter what form a moment of action comes in, none of them are easy, and composure is something that I have always had to actively try to maintain. I can remember battles where as we waited for that moment, all I wanted to do was run screaming as far away from that point in time as I could. I wanted to be safe, and never face the unknown of a future beyond my fear and that mind rattling stress and terror of what could happen if things went wrong. But, I couldn’t. That’s not what needed to be done, so instead I held. I held until my mind was screaming so loud I was deaf, until my knees shook so hard I thought they would shatter. I held until I couldn’t hold any more, and then I kept on holding fast. And that was my trick. I was never fearless, I’m not a brave man, but I’m determined and strong willed. So, at every second that I thought I couldn’t hold on anymore, I just focused on breathing and asked myself if I thought I had one more moment in me. I always did, and once it passed I always had another, because why not. If I could give one then surely another was there too. And it dawns on me that this is how I’ve always handled moments of action, on step at a time, moment by moment until it’s passed. I break them down. So, while I am not a strong man, I do have strength. I have strength not because I’m brave, but because I won’t run. I control my own life and although stress and fear will plague me, they are no more my master than any person is. I am my own master.

Right now, I’m stressed. My thoughts come in torrents like stormy tides assaulting a shore. I feel the twitch in my nerves and see the shake in my hands. It’s only a slight tremble, but I can see it as clear as if it were seizure. Deep down inside I’m afraid. On some level I’m terrified. The biggest moment of action I’ve ever known is approaching and I know it. I feel small in the shadow of such a moment, I feel alone and just want to be held by you. I’m scared. But it’s only natural, Hell, I’d be worried if I wasn’t stressed and scared. But, no amount of fear, what if´ing, or stress can rob me of my senses. I’m an old dog at the terror game, and I know how it works. It gets you second guessing, breathing shallow, stressing and on edge. I can’t stop from stressing or being afraid, but I can control it because I know some things that fear can’t over ride.

I know I’m a strong person when I have to be, and I know I have to be now. I know we have prepared for this moment as best as anyone can ask us, and I know we will continue to prepare. I know we are well within the boundaries of what is asked of us to get this Visa, and I know it shows. I know that they will ask questions and that we have answers. I know we will be ready, because I know that the only thing that has changed between June and now is this: 1. We are going to be together permanently before the end of this fall. And 2. Stress is fucking with our heads right now. That’s why we are edgy.

But the big thing I know, the one big thing that stops the fear and stress in it’s tracks is, I know I love you. I know I love you with my whole heart, and will do anything for you. So, let this moment of action come, let the visa interview approach. It won’t change a god damn thing, it can only change how it gets done. I will live my life with you, to cherish you, hold you, bring you laughter, and love you unconditionally. There is nothing anyone walking the face of this world can do to stop me from loving you. What they decide for the visa will be what they decide (I honestly believe it will be a yes), but that changes nothing about my feelings and intentions. Come hell or high water, we shall be together. But I know it won’t come to such dramatic measures, because it’s only stress fucking with my head. Deep down I feel our paper work will met the specs, our finances will be fine, and the interview will end with a yes and a visa in the mail. And if I’m wrong, then we correct whatever small thing it is that holds us and still get you over here in time for our wedding.

So, I know I don’t always show it but this visa gig weighs on my mind too. I only hope my determination provides some comfort 😉 And no matter what, I love you and we will be married.You are the perfect woman in my eyes, there are non like you, your one of a kind. I will not be giving you up so long as there is breath left in my body. Falling in love and loving you is everything to me. I hope this finds you still awake, but if not then it will wait till the morning 🙂

I’m think about you Veber’s :-*, and getting things ready for your arrival 😉 Rest easy darlin’, have a great day in the morning, and know that I love you with every fiber of my mind body and soul ❤

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